why i don't like playing TTRPGs

i've noticed that various ppl i've met and most ppl in my social circle enjoy playing some form of TTRPG (table top role-playing game), and whenever i say i don't like playing them to these ppl, they're usually shocked. they'll either say that i must've had a bad DM, or that i just haven't found the right style of TTRPG for me. but i've played enough different sessions to know that isn't true.

before i transitioned, i spent a lot of my life pretending to be someone i'm not. role-playing just feels like having to start that process from scratch with a new persona. that's why it's difficult for me to keep track of how my character's supposed to act in different situations. i don't want to go back to feeling like my pretransition self at the age of like, six.

role-playing also feels like socialising but with new social etiquette rules. i already struggle a lot with socialising in the real world. why would i want to relearn how to do it in a whole new way? thanks to this, i feel like i'm constantly being judged by how well i play the game. this includes:

• how well i can make a character
• how well i'm pretending to be my character
• how my character fits into the lore of the world

and there's the added pressure of having to fit into a group of people and not ruin their fun because you're not playing the game the right way or not enjoying it. and don't get me started on how character sheets just feel like homework.

for whatever reason, i have little interest in fictional characters. i tend to be interested in the geography, cultures, and aesthetic of a fictional world way more than the characters who inhabit them. although i like learning about a setting, i don't like having to navigate the rules of the world through a fictional character's perspective. i keep forgetting how things work or what's important.

to lighten up this post a bit, here's some things i do like about TTRPGs

• i think dice sets look cool
• i'm impressed with DMs abilities to world build and manage/guide the game
• that other people like playing them so i don't have to

that being said, overall TTRPGs feel like a chore to me. they're exhausting and anxiety inducing rather than fun. i think these styles of games aren't meant for the way mind works. i often wonder if it's my autism that's made me this way, but most ppl i know who are into TTRPGs are autistic, so idk what's wrong with me. thankfully i'm learning that it's okay for me to not like things, there isn't necessarily anything wrong with me if i don't like something, and that i don't need to pretend to like what my friends like because i'm afraid i'll drift apart from them. okay that last one's a little personal, but who hasn't worried about that at some point? ^_^;